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I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
My purse is deeper than some people.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Webb. James Webb.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
a lot to unpack here
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.