Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
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Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Well, that didn’t work.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?