Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
You Might Also Like
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
*mops up wine with cat*
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that