I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
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[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
nyc: