Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
You Might Also Like
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Seems legit
Birds & Planes.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”