Please donβt block me ππππ
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Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Pretty much. π€£
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that sheβd become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote βYou were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now sheβs a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!β & now I know why people avoid FB.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* GarΓ§on, we’d like to order food
Waiter: EntrΓ©es?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what youβre talking about.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Just rememberβ¦once annoying family arrives, the only side dish youβll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.β
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.β
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a βdoodoo faceβ in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Friend: Whatβs it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didnβt hear her*
I donβt really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants