people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
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Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.