While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
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My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.