“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
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ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that