Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
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We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake