[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
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Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words