People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
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I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch