Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
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Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.