of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
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Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.