When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
You Might Also Like
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
‘I know a black person’
– White people
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.