I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
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The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.