I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
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Just a phase…
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
My husband told me I鈥檇 better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don鈥檛 start explaining it.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you鈥檙e 35 and realise it鈥檚 a chilling documentary.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
馃ぃ馃槀
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn鈥檛 get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Please don鈥檛 block me. 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Secret Panel HERE 馃
Don鈥檛 watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked