I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
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Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything