Mission: Impossible
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me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.