Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
You Might Also Like
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I have a black belt in leather
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress