“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
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ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
and now we wait
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this