My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
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The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.