Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
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I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Damn he played himself
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole