Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
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[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?