carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
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So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
🚲+physics = winner
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*