Draw me like one of your French Fries.
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the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.