Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
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My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
October already? What’s next? November????
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Are you ok, human???
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
The photographer’s assistant
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.