Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
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Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.