Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
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tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid