If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
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me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
spot the difference
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
choose your fighter
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?