if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*