Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
You Might Also Like
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)