Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
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[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
I have never related to anyone more.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
happy mother’s day❤️
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant