I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
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I come from a time of excessive Durans.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”