DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
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Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit