Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
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*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila