Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
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Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.