My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
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*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.