Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
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With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.