angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
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How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
This is me
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”