She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
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My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
are there any atheist mantises?
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar