I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
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OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Maths meets science
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.