Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
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Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Damn what did I do next
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Liquor Store Parking
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
not to brag, but mine was free
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…