My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
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Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.