My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
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When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait