restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
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If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
you gotta be faster
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?