the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
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Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days