Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
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One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?