i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
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Do not levitate over flowers
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.