Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
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my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.